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    haikupoet.com
    the haiku blog of paul david mena

    Tuesday, October 17, 2006

    Here’s a haiku poet’s dilemma: I wrote this haiku while waiting for the Green Line to arrive at Copley Square this afternoon.

    rush hour —
    the billboard model
    smiles at me

    Once the train had arrived, I inserted a single word, but now I wonder if it represents too much editorialism on my part.

    rush hour —
    only the billboard model
    smiles at me

    At the moment I like both variations, but despite the minimal difference they represent very different haiku, one (IMHO) more heavy-handed than the other.

    Thoughts?

    6 Comments:

    Blogger Aurora said...

    The first one. It says it all and then some, while the second one says only one thing.

    10:55 PM  
    Blogger Curtis said...

    I agree with Aurora. In fact, after reading the first one, the second seemed flat and contrived. I vote for number 1.

    7:47 PM  
    Blogger mattm said...

    me too...

    11:24 AM  
    Blogger extraspecialbitter said...

    Aurora / Curtis / Matt - thank you for your comments. I should know by now that my readership is far too sophisticated to require such presumptuous prodding on my part.

    5:04 PM  
    Blogger keiko said...

    On second thought,I prefer the second one. Though it might focus more on one thing, that way the juxataposition seems to work more effectively to evoke the urban solitude in the city jungle. But in either way, there is no doubt these are fine haiku.

    7:12 AM  
    Blogger extraspecialbitter said...

    keiko - thank you for your comments. despite the fact that there is a difference of only one word, these are very different haiku. the second one is certainly darker and heavier than the first, and often more accurately reflects my mood in the underground jungles of Boston.

    11:44 AM  

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