Here’s a haiku poet’s dilemma: I wrote this haiku while waiting for the Green Line to arrive at Copley Square this afternoon.
Once the train had arrived, I inserted a single word, but now I wonder if it represents too much editorialism on my part.
At the moment I like both variations, but despite the minimal difference they represent very different haiku, one (IMHO) more heavy-handed than the other.
Thoughts?
rush hour —
the billboard model
smiles at me
Once the train had arrived, I inserted a single word, but now I wonder if it represents too much editorialism on my part.
rush hour —
only the billboard model
smiles at me
At the moment I like both variations, but despite the minimal difference they represent very different haiku, one (IMHO) more heavy-handed than the other.
Thoughts?
posted by extraspecialbitter at 9:49 PM
5 Comments:
The first one. It says it all and then some, while the second one says only one thing.
I agree with Aurora. In fact, after reading the first one, the second seemed flat and contrived. I vote for number 1.
me too...
Aurora / Curtis / Matt - thank you for your comments. I should know by now that my readership is far too sophisticated to require such presumptuous prodding on my part.
keiko - thank you for your comments. despite the fact that there is a difference of only one word, these are very different haiku. the second one is certainly darker and heavier than the first, and often more accurately reflects my mood in the underground jungles of Boston.
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