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    haikupoet.com
    the haiku blog of paul david mena

    Wednesday, January 18, 2006

    Freedom Trail —
    a stray dog sniffs
    a black plastic trash bag

    5 Comments:

    Blogger Eric said...

    whew. 'a black plastic trash bag' is a lot of 'a' sounds. very nearly a tongue twister. but other than that, an observation with undertones of an accurate social statement.

    8:12 AM  
    Blogger extraspecialbitter said...

    eric - good observation. The third line is uncharacteristically wordy for me. I think I was trying to capture the image with 100% accuracy at the expense of language. Better to alter the image to achieve clarity of speech. Perhaps something like:

    Freedom Trail --
    a stray dog sniffs
    a paper bag

    9:42 AM  
    Blogger texas haijin said...

    that's what i always notice about your haiku: your obervation. i think to myself, why can't i just write what i observe, like paul, rather then try to write the world's best haiku. i'm learning daily, pops.

    1:25 PM  
    Blogger Eric said...

    while the first version is wordy, i liked the word 'trash' as sometimes the trail (to whatever freedom you seek) involves something commonplace and unpleasant like garbage.

    mindful walk . . .
    the snowman
    pooping coal

    2:09 PM  
    Blogger Judy Kamilhor said...

    Paul,

    Great blog. Thanks for linking to kami haiku. I will return the link. I really like the design, too, in addition to the haiku.

    kami

    10:09 PM  

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